By Katharine Esty — Columnist
We always picture happy holidays with our family: Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Diwali. We dream of sumptuous meals and smiling faces even though we know our family is complicated and perfection is a fantasy.
Holidays are stressful for almost everyone. Given these trying times, it’s likely global conflicts, contentious lawsuits, or climate devastation might come up in conversations.
How do you avoid the turbulence these conversations cause?
For the young to middle-aged, the holidays are stressful because there is always too much to do. Women, but also men nowadays, are expected to be planners, shoppers, house and tree decorators, gift wrappers, communicators, hosts, and cooks for family gatherings. The result of this role overload is exhaustion, if not worse.
For those of us in our 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s, holidays are stressful as well. But the reasons are quite different and often not recognized. First, we older people have let go of many of the roles we used to take on at holidays. For most of us, the lack of responsibility feels good. But not being part of the hustle and bustle of the season usually makes us feel a bit empty and bleak. I definitely feel on the sidelines.
I no longer host holiday meals. I give and get many fewer gifts since my family has gone to a lottery system where you only draw one name. I have fewer events to attend. Some years, I don’t even put out my wimpy artificial tree, which is all that is permitted at my retirement community. (I still put out my awesome collection of creches from around the world, and that continues to bring me great joy.)
Holidays also become a stressor when you are older because so many loved ones are missing from the festivities. At family gatherings, I’ll be missing my beloved husband; my parents; Peter, my partner of the last five years; my sister; my three brothers-in-law; two sisters-in-law; and half my cousins, who have all died. These losses are terribly sad for me and losses like this are challenging for most older people. Part of aging well is learning how to grieve our losses and eventually move on. But it isn’t easy.
I hear from older people who have very small families — or whose families are distant geographically or emotionally — that they dread the holidays. It is stressful to have nowhere to go. One client reported that she deals with her no-family-available situation by taking early action. In October, she calls a group of friends and signs them up to come to her apartment for the holiday meals. Friend-families can be wonderful. If you can’t host, call a friend and arrange lunch or dinner at a favorite restaurant or order takeout, or do something non-traditional if that suits your style.
Family gatherings can present all kinds of challenges to older people. Here are six vignettes describing common family behavioral patterns and thoughts for how we older people can deal with them.
Family 1: Oblivious
When Grandma arrives at this holiday gathering, she receives hugs, kisses, and a hearty welcome. A few minutes later, she finds herself sitting alone in a corner far from the action. Everyone else is cooking, laughing, and having fun, often in a different room. She feels invisible.
I tell older people in this situation to say something like, “Hey there, let me help peel the potatoes.” or “Can you move me in closer?”
Family 2: Loud and drunk
This family drinks a lot on holidays. Some get drunk — not happy drunk, but noisy drunk and often angry. The arguments escalate, and the shouting begins. Older guests usually feel tense, helpless, and scared. Go to another part of the house, or as a last resort, leave. Be sure to have the number of a taxi or a rideshare app handy, just in case.
Family 3: Adults act like they did as kids
Adults revert to their childhood roles. The childhood rebel arrives two hours late in muddy jeans. The oldest sister is bossing everyone around and the younger sibs get annoyed. The family clown tells tired jokes while the lifelong bookworm flips through magazines. The grandparents, watching their adult children’s behavior, sit silent.
I suggest talking one-on-one with family members. This is a wonderful way to get to know your family as they are now and have truly pleasant moments.
Family 4: Conflict in the family
This family includes one or two people who differ from the majority on big issues like climate change or conflict in the Middle East. Soon after the family gathers, the arguing begins. People interrupt and try to show how wrong others’ views are. As the noise gets louder and the tone gets angrier, the 70-plus generations usually think, “All I want is a peaceful day.”
Families do not have to agree. Too many of us assume that if we are a family, we must all come down on the same side of a polarizing issue. It is liberating to give up that goal of agreement. Try saying, “Help me understand exactly why you think that way.” And then listen. This usually leads to a much better exchange.
Family 5: Poorly behaved children
Grandparents and other older guests can get stressed when older kids do not help with the meal preparation, do not talk politely to others, or do not say “thank you” for gifts. Younger kids may be whiny and fussy, and their parents ignore their behavior.
I have learned that as older guests, and especially as grandparents, we are wise to be silent. It is hard to refrain from judgment. But if the goal is a close, harmonious family it is worth the effort. Holidays are not the best time to be critical. Grandparents’ role is not to mind the manners but to love and encourage.
Family 6: Pressure to conform
This family puts pressure on family members to conform to the holiday program as planned. They have organized activities like games, hikes, formal meals, and church service.
The challenge for those 70 and older is to stay comfortable so we can enjoy ourselves. Can we skip the walk in the raw afternoon? Can we speak up about the uncomfortable mattress in the guest room? On this one, I think we need to speak up sooner than we usually do. We, elders, need to take self-care seriously.
In short, follow the advice given to Andy Puddicombe, co-founder of the meditation app Headspace, from one of his meditation teachers: “‘Be present, be patient, be gentle, be kind … everything else will take care of itself.’”
