Do you want to live in a world with more trash? I do.
I am a true believer. I want my Thanksgiving turkey bones to join their brethren in the great turkey trip to the beyond. They will go on large trucks to the New York landfill where they will join all the other turkey ghosts. Their spirits will become fragrant methane and seep up to the Great Turkey in the Sky. The Great Sky Turkey will then bless our Earth with more warmth, and bless the water of the pristine New York lakes with more post-turkey flavoring.
The alternative is unthinkable. Turkey God forbid, you put turkey body parts in a free town composting bin or sign up for curbside compost collection like over 300 other Concord households. How then will the methane-of-warming reach the Turkey God?
You may think, “My turkey doesn’t matter. I am only one person. I will send my turkey to glory next year, and let the rest of the landfill do the work. After all, food waste is only responsible for 58 percent of landfill methane emissions.”
Don’t even think about it. Your landfill turkey matters — the leftover dressing, too. Everyone knows it’s blasphemy to send a bird naked to the beyond. “Big Compost” just wants to steal your turkey’s methane and make it into carbon-sequestering soil that grows monstrous things like flowers. What kind of world do you want to live in?
You might say, “I swear I threw my turkey in the trash! I didn’t even know about composting — that it could be free or only $14.99 a month!” And I say, your ignorance is a blessing, Hatchling. The Great Sky Turkey is watching and doesn’t want you composting a single drumstick. Not one. So don’t do it.
Shelly Karlin
Walden Terrace
